hope.

It's been a while. He's been home for a month. I haven't blogged much since he's been back. Things have been busy. I haven't had time. I haven't had much to say.

Today I got into work and started reading "my blogs." I got to my favorite milspouse blog- {mis}adventures of an army wife, and was absolutely shocked and haunted by what I read:"If you are reading this, you should know that I am dead. At least I hope I'm dead." Her post is not a joke. It contains the words of a woman- an Army wife- who had no hope left. She was not weak. She never mentioned any problems at home (at least not on her blog). She seemed absolutely fine. She was funny; she was witty; she was a great storyteller; she was persistent; she was determined. It turns out, she had no faith in her future.**


So now, I have something to say. It's about something I feel is one of the most stigmatized, frowned upon things that can happen to a military family. It's something that I believe a lot of people don't understand, brush off, or think will get better with time- even the people it is happening to. There is something wrong with the fact that I feel weird even writing about it. That is- NOT being okay after a deployment/a spouse's deployment.

I personally feel let down by the reintegration training I received before my husband came home from his year-long tour in Iraq: "First you will go through a honeymoon phase. Next you will fight. Then you will adjust." But that's not right, is it?  Because it can't be as simple as a timeline, as checking "yes" to a box at SRP or as going to briefings and ACS trainings. Reintegration is different for everyone. For one person, it is a Facebook post that say, "Soooooooo happy that my wonderful hubby is home."  And for another it is, "Are we going to talk to each other today?"

In the reintegration trainings I attended, we heard a lot about the former. We heard ad nauseum about everyone's inordinate desire for s-e-x. We heard a little bit about the adjustment for kids. But even while I was there, I knew I wasn't getting all the information. I didn't feel like a lot of the women at those trainings. And I never felt like I received preparation for the latter.

I remember some of our neighbors going through reintegration, their husbands returning home just after my husband had deployed. One woman in particular was the most excited for her husband to return, but within a week the "honeymoon" (the one they promise lasts about 3-6 months) was over. I remembering thinking (naively), "How can they be fighting like that? Why the cynicism? Homecoming is perfect! It's everything you hope for for a year! It's the best, because you're together again!"

Watching that couple, even from a distance, was more insight than I had ever received from the military into what the other side of redeployment can entail.

While being together again is the best, it doesn't equal perfect. In my experience, it equals finding a new normal, not trying to fit back into what your old normal was. It's equals not having expectations. It's equals working as a team. And it's alright to not be okay or to not be good at it. It doesn't mean you are a failure. It doesn't mean that your husband will be looked down upon at work. And just because no one is training you for it or talking about it, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen or that you are the only ones going through it.

My hope is that no one ever has to go through what Jessica went through. Obviously, her situation was extreme- redeployment, alcohol abuse, infidelity, depression. And maybe her marriage didn't end because of the deployment. Maybe it would have played out the same way if her husband had never deployed. But maybe it wouldn't have. When he redeployed after a year in Afghanistan, he was not okay. Jessica wanted help for her husband, and it sounded like he wanted help for himself, but was too scared to deal with what getting help actually entailed. She also wanted help for herself. But for both of them, the help didn't come soon enough.

My hope for everyone reading this is that you know help is available. If you don't know where to start, try Military OneSource at 1-800-342-9647. You can call to talk anonymously any time. They never have to know who you are, who your spouse is, what unit you are in. And if you do decide it is right for you, know that each eligible service member or family member may receive up to 12 sessions of counseling, per issue, per counselor at no cost. 


If you have no hope left, please make one more phone call to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.

**From what I have read on a few other milspouse blogs and in the comments on her post, authorities were contacted. Jessica is alive and physically unharmed. I am not sure if this is accurate, but I am really hoping that  it is. I hope she knows how much I care.