Today, I'm going down the road less traveled. I'm taking John Mayer's advice and "saying what I need to say." Today I am going to share the inner monologue (read: crazy) of a woman (read: me) well into her third trimester (read: 38 weeks 6 days). Why? Because, I'm pregnant...still. And because I figure it will be nice to be able look back and remember this (ha).
So without further explanation needed, here are some thoughts that one might find
flying out of my mouth running through my head these days...
- On my body and bodily functions...
- I can't reach or even see my toes, so I'm gonna just say it's okay that they aren't perfectly pedicured.
- Oops, I forgot to shave my legs. Good thing no one will be looking at my legs.
- If I get up now, I'll just have to get up again in an hour. I'll just try to hold it.
- Time for my pregnancy cocktail (aka prentatal vitamin, dha pill and colace)!
- How far back in my family tree should I be cursing for the spider web of stretch marks that have appeared on my belly/behind/bust?
- How fast do these things fade?
- I'll never wear a bikini again.
- I'm disgusting.
- Hey, stranger! You literally pointing at me and laughing as I walk by you to get into the pool (to try to swim myself into labor) is NOT the confidence boost I needed.
- You're mean, and you should know better.
- Your daughter is really cute.
- On food...
- It's okay to have a second dessert, because the first one didn't have that many calories.
- I would give my first born to be able to eat a turkey sandwich with cheese and avocado on toast right now.
- Why couldn't I be one of those women who gets so full after a few bites of anything?
- I can out eat anyone.
- Challenge accepted.
- The baby needs it.
- On pregnancy, labor and delivery...
- Somebody get this foot out of my ribs. Please.
- I'm sorry for doing this to you when you were pregnant with me, Mom.
- Payback is a bitch.
- Baby hiccups, while reassuring, are also really annoying.
- Especially when they happen three times a day.
- They should not tell you 37 weeks is full term.
- They should say, "your baby will be ready to come no sooner than 40 weeks," because if your baby doesn't fall out of you the moment you hit 37 weeks, you get sort of depressed.
- I could potentially have this baby in me for another month!?!
- Kill myself.
- 0 cm?
- Funny. Check again.
- Walk, sex, drive down bumpy roads, eat spicy foods. I will do it.
- Even though that spicy food is going to give me awful, keep-me-up-at-night heartburn, it's worth a shot right?
- Is it possible to OD on Tums?
- I need to get this baby out of me as soon as possible.
- I'm really scared to get this baby out of me.
- On post-partum...
- Put _____ on the list of things I want as soon as I push this baby out.
- Can you bring beer to the hospital?
- We should probably pick up a few different kinds.
- I get all of the cash in the alcohol budget for the month I push the baby out.
If you have found or currently find yourself in my situation (within spitting distance of pushing a baby out), please feel free to add your thoughts/comments!
for all you blissfully happy, super skinny, no stretch marks, still running 5 miles a day, vegetable-eating preggos for anyone who doesn't agree with/like what they just read or who thinks I'm not excited/grateful/thrilled to be pregnant/at the end/a mother: I'm just keeping it real.